Saturday, December 25, 2010


I sit and try to organize my thoughts but then it’s starting to dawn on me that thoughts need no organization. They are meant to be exactly as they are. Much like humans. Sometimes I wonder why people don’t take things in stride, and I wonder the rush behind things. I hate when people rush to get things done… It seems to me that people should take their time. If you take your time, things get done more efficiently and in general are a lot more fun. Now, this is coming from someone who stalls paying bills. Like a mother fucker, I stall paying bills. I have no job right now. I am distraught about this, yes. But I am also pleased. I am content that I have no job. I do not want a job. I do not want to sacrifice my time with my kids and my energy on doing something I hate just to get money that is going to get cycled back around to the greedy bastards that decide my fate. No matter what I spend that money on. Even if it was spent on drugs, that money is going into the hands of a dealer, who in turn is going to spend it on bills, or highly commercialized products that are unnecessary and completely distracting. I have no internet. And I like that. I hate that. I like it because I don’t feel tied to anyone or anything. I hate it because I am really fucking bored all the time-because I don’t feel tied to anyone or anything.

I’m currently reading a book, called “When the Music’s Over”. It’s about a man named Ross who was a paranoid schizophrenic from Australia. He was a drug addict and spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals and jail. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when I was fifteen. I’ve never steadily taken medication for it. I feel like I keep track of it pretty well. It is interesting to read the work of a man who suffered a severe… case. He believed he was God and the Devil simultaneously. Some of the things he said makes sense. Other stuff doesn’t. I enjoy reading it because it’s about the universe, karma. It’s about life and drugs and doing the things others are afraid to do. He was free. He was life. He was intelligent and crazy because of it. Read it sometime. It might change your life.

That’s my whole philosophy, though. Read, write, talk, see, and do. It might change your life. Every decision you make changes your life, so put yourself into new situations and new experiences because new experiences can open windows and you can be thrust into a new life full of happiness. Sure, it could be bad, a terrible experience. Then you’d curse my name the rest of your life. Don’t curse me; I didn’t make the decision for you. I just said you should make more decisions.

As for getting a job, I know I need to, because of what society has become. I don’t want to. I feel I shouldn’t fucking have to get a job. Nobody should. I don’t NEED all these McDonald’s to be open twenty four hours. I don’t need banks; I don’t need 90% of the companies out there. Part of me wants to work, so I can live a “normal” life, but the other part doesn’t, because I shouldn’t fucking have to. We’re raised up to believe there is nothing out there other than working and/or going to school. Bull hockey, I say.

On my quest, thus far, I have learned more than any school could teach. Real life has held more answers to my questions. 

I’ve been left quiet and unrefined. Undefined. I have two needs. I need to know time frames (I need you to stick to them). Second: I need to know where I fall into your life. Am I making the impact, big or small, that I want to make? Tell me-I need to know. These are the same two needs I’ve had my whole life. I know myself, I know me. I know my needs. I’m aware. I know what I need to do. I know what I’m supposed to do. I know more than I need to. And that’s where the problem lies… I can’t stand knowing what I know and being expected to do what I’m supposed to do-knowing there are better solutions.

I’ve recently considered moving the kids and myself off to a hippie commune in the mountains of North Carolina to live naturally and freely and be able to spend time with my kids and teach them about nature and life and love… At the same time, I want them to grow up in a city and get street sense. So I remain in the Creeks of South Carolina and continue to struggle and find a middle ground. That’s all I want. I want a middle ground. If I can get a job doing something I enjoy (not likely) and that pays well enough, I’d be fine. Well enough being 8 dollars plus an hour. I’ve also considered going back to waiting tables. The only problem there is the addiction to being there, the rush, the calm, the money, the organization. It’s one of the best highs I can experience. I would end up overworking, like I did last time.